---
title: Dealing with Low Sexual Desire Levels
date: 2022-07-05T22:45:18-04:00
author: OBOS Admin
canonical_url: "https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-dealing-with-low-desire-levels"
section: "Stories & Conversations"
---
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[Stories & Conversations](/stories-conversations)# Dealing with Low Sexual Desire Levels

SA shares how motherhood has decreased her desire to have sex. However, she has become better at communicating with her husband about sex and redefining what sex looks like for their relationship in a way that is mutually beneficial.

## Transcript

**SA:** I mean, my levels—I don't know how much of this is because of that terrible relationship from long ago, but my desire levels have always been extremely low. I mean, Emily Nagoski writes about the sexual accelerators and the sexual brakes and I often feel like I'm all brakes and no accelerator.

Um, but I remember when I popped out my child, and after that I—It was like my body was no longer my own, and you're just consumed by all this need, and even, you know, now that my child is seven, it's still like there's this child hanging on top of me all the time.

So growing older and being—having motherhood be such a huge part of my identity now, um—I mean, I end my days exhausted and not wanting to be touched by anyone. And, you know, the pandemic has only exacerbated that, because I'm in this house with this child and my husband and I, you know, I sort of want to murder his face because I'm just so sick of everyone, so I want to be alone.

Beyond that, I don't know if, um—I think I've become better at communicating about sex and communicating about sex could maybe be beyond just goal-oriented penetrative intercourse.

And, you know, as I've written more, and I've talked to other sexuality professionals about, you know, redefining sex—like that's something I've been more open about in my own conversations with my husband. It's about, "Okay, well, how can we make this something that we both enjoy that's not necessarily the same old, same old goal-oriented activity."

![](/assets/img/monogram.webp)Topics

- [ sexualities, gender, and relationships](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/subject-area/sexualities-gender-relationships)
- [sexual desire](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/sexual-desire)
- [sexual activity](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/sexual-activity)
- [relationships](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/relationships)
- [intimacy](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/intimacy)

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[Stories & ConversationsWatch

## Sex Ed in School

SA describes her experience learning about sex and relationships while growing up and in college.

![Steph](data:image/png;base64,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)

SA describes her experience learning about sex and relationships while growing up and in college.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-learning-about-sex-ed-in-school)

[Stories & ConversationsRead

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How does experiencing violence or sexual abuse affect our intimate relationships? The conversation below is excerpted from an online discussion on relationships, identity, and sexuality.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/conversations-how-past-sexual-abuse-or-violence-affects-relationships)

[Stories & ConversationsWatch

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L discusses how she reclaimed a sense of confident power in her own body and her sexuality, from contraceptive choices to the decision to have a natural birth with no medication.

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L discusses how she reclaimed a sense of confident power in her own body and her sexuality, from contraceptive choices to the decision to have a natural birth with no medication.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/claiming-back-my-body)

[ResourcesRead

## Comic Book: Teen Dating Violence

This comic book tells the story of Neela and Chris, a high school couple. The book illustrates what intimate partner violence can look like in a teenage relationship.

![Screenshot 2023-03-08 at 12.49.17 PM](data:image/png;base64,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)

This comic book tells the story of Neela and Chris, a high school couple. The book illustrates what intimate partner violence can look like in a teenage relationship.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/comic-book-teen-dating-violence)

[Stories & ConversationsWatch

## Setting Boundaries for My Mental Health

JV emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own mental health with friends who need more support than one person can provide.

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JV emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own mental health with friends who need more support than one person can provide.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-setting-boundaries-for-my-mental-health)

[Stories & ConversationsWatch

## Understanding How Mental Health Affects My Relationships

EN discusses how going to therapy has affected her relationships with romantic partners and her parents.

![Emily](data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACAAAAAgCAIAAAD8GO2jAAAACXBIWXMAAA7EAAAOxAGVKw4bAAAE/ElEQVRIiZVWwY7duBGsblJ64xnDWQTYSz4xh1zzvTkEQZD1rsdjz5PY3VU5UHpvbC+yCCEQAiVVdVcXm7K//v1vAAxwoM3Z5EKDHDLRIBMBAQJgDnP31rz3vix9XZf1sqzrsl7WebOsfVlaa601c3f8zjD7vVUAgKDvF+Ynt+m4NZs4fntub7FPBgNMJ5B0LEvndecwGGAH7jHDzPod7B6HDGaAQYABMt1i143sXNJbholuZn5M3t9mZ3d0mcFkPnU/wDRxIehMQnoT3R3azN3d3bzjW73P2CfTAW2SJJMEwQQ4XCJvQp2fHIH77XK/S2RnAQwywWEOmWCHEpJk4KE8DZQ4cwF0xj91cXf35m7uXTfPfFcATXTYVJyCKM0MhDI5NVekNxq5ubt5Oyi8f+/DWdWbVqc+kEBCFAAZrEQHJ/FhpzMDfzu6Dp2POMxksqMAOvIABVJFiYAkg0HeWCVSnEaye6HvOnk/fXHW4u76SXCgowgSrMNBALycJDUzhKa2Nkt9q3OnDrec6t78rUN6EhSKYoklUW4AVDODM4lThIPmlKvzNBkl2fna9DhlN/QqVYlJUQ5A8mZZLLKkI5F7IScNzDrJWU8CtGMPEXLqMOINPYtMqmgGwb2xilVkkbpp9bZXGdCzZFM/oAEFtBk8SdKLmAhZzGQFVTRIlLv1rJkES7MepA6mw3o9qwwGgx/oKMhFmyWtQpYymcmIyqiDQPSGJVpmZVayijw5eBafYo/k4XzADQ645KKLKHoVMhnFyIysjGTQIJW7W6yZmVlVWbdxELCKAPrI9NOmsz04MDNoTGYiUxE1omJk7MmgSVzMm5bwiMzIrMw8WLIyq7UycwB9H+lAzdZsZ9s6apCeiUiNrBE5RsZetZdJLPOm5eIjemRG5G1UtqqWCTNJ/TqGw5ajP5zHgCiRlZ6BCI1R+8h9y7hmXulFPri7lotfRo8R95E9srVwc8DY1L9uw2GrgQbZbHwCJLIdBENj1LbXvsX+kvGpPJQf3BqXB9v3NqJHLBEjoke0CG8N5gJasT9fRzNcgDKjHc1IUol9Eoyhfed2zeuXfP1PDpVDj8/mnes7uzy2fe/7WC6jj9GX0Xp3d8AoNW/9H6/bA/DBEGblNjczcSewsWm71utrffkYvyoTBegnuH+s9T0uj/7w2Mbe99HW0ZbdWzNzCUW21pr+/Jcx8mVkRLZIy0ImIhnBMbjtuW3x9TWefxsfXwcxgAByQzm4FtYn66v3xfvirbm7mcNmkxTJZuvP2AJ77iOfR66RNhIjuAe3Udc9v1zj1+d4+TSAt1deoYeB9Z0tD74s3rt5M2/mPn8X5m5o9vk9ngc+DbyEtvy0Rd8D29A2+HXPz9f8+BLx6w4MYAc2YJ9JANyBp7D1vS+rt25top9nIFlkB37B7EPZ8NKA9k/4Bv0EvkMseG34DIBAAgEEUICABlx26POrPb74w6OvF18Wa336p6hl6e6tA799e2SuwPIR9oz6GdcHoJ8nUJ5JDEDACjwB+jfswy/++L5dHnxZrXW406ykrO6t/XgmT4WRwL+ABXgCHCAwgNdvX90AFNqXr/3pa788+nrxvqA1mVHstbi3Zv/jRxQgsAFXYAPih6cBCFiI9uTt8jiNZO7zj5QAyT8g+MMxgMvA+uHaL39q/eJ9lnqeYaL0o0T/99iACERGVmYdrTsrYebCfwECOZx4wMT5FAAAAABJRU5ErkJggg==)

EN discusses how going to therapy has affected her relationships with romantic partners and her parents.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-understanding-how-mental-health-affects-my-relationships)

[Stories & ConversationsWatch

## Realizing No One Is Perfect Regardless of What Anyone Says

HM recalls some of the changes she experienced after receiving counseling, especially concerning the pressure to be perfect and be a strong Black woman.

![My Story: Realizing No One Is Perfect Regardless of What Anyone Says](data:image/png;base64,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)

HM recalls some of the changes she experienced after receiving counseling, especially concerning the pressure to be perfect and be a strong Black woman.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-realizing-no-one-is-perfect-regardless-of-what-anyone-says)

[ResourcesRead

## Women’s Mental Health: Insights, Strategies, and Support

Here are helpful strategies for taking care of our mental health in the face of society's sexism and bias against women.

![A woman who appears sad sits on a bed in pajamas](data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACAAAAAgCAIAAAD8GO2jAAAACXBIWXMAAA7EAAAOxAGVKw4bAAADoElEQVRIiXWWzYLrOgiDJZz3X5/9fcwJ+u4CO03PT+px03EsQAJi//frlyWZslxapVpay2t5rbpWrWuttda61nWtdVXt2bVcl12uZVsq2ZL2fK6SJM/ne+VzcWZ+W7D0ty3vx7g2rP+9g9cN/MOJ7+fNs++yS5ItG9nSA+EPOHwDfFzSl0vsX3y8ulxLko3FMXNsIHHAQbB54ne6/Eeo88cYGKP2Hgf4xQvvn9LmQBZ+IjXGX88hiatqzX8s7MjY0YmTx9yO4MTxZoZvmvY6E/pVdZ0MwfJBz7EgmAj2t8AbQVs1yb/LNBu2BtdBz8uTF2aMoSCoxgRvGfyNvDndvumqtSSJHEoHwB73IzxmUAEoqP5aFcfnTeQO+ERASU0kkEvkpAxEONgJlVAv9zkCvBKIr0tX1dpqIpUIwsjCmdwQdsVUQj47v7LSb3QBySeCtVdGVxtKGLY5C5s4e08gH6RB39w85ESfCFTLgCIPURtdqFEplqzETpImBSih6pPEsp7bI4DGjcsuGWWIMfIIMetHMtsuk0qSESLgp8hlXhEE5bB0yZasgz7PBT084Eh2uyoVKiQcGyo+QoyBbA3GEpdcABvdwUGJiEhCyrsGq1KVWlQoSHA9davj2YecoeA6y3670JMHQaR2X7IrVVRTi4ocOci4toE80aM8Grx7ZUSgQ4cEOkrKYZpIUZXKJqqgEYclfEClzJgsegoqIlGPgU53xoCV1OgUTwRNhRqYEuxSC4qcLfIO5cpUKwQ2OrmT7uQxsCNIdQbdLa9hRHWa0YOb8+KIdIVjIIR00r0N9B2lLXYEFfc7AvwdwaZ+8zOVpSsJIqEHPbmTu3N3upvEZJWRVdTKG92RMhn20TlMMXlrMP0lJPky8NPdHbolFsbx4Wc1FVXwrlr5S4YPRUhXJxL9Qh+K7s7dnY6hywhXfFHNiqp3pipaNYnkwzubpU3RRJC8Kfrp/knfd7pjUlXyFmDNiCaRfLrJnEeODFO24NEAmj5B9J2+k5/OzyQSWViFm9Vc4Q53WKjRc0YYjtg1S+YYga4mguwmtoPozn1yCVhElQorXOGKbrSiNYIyYPutEH3MIF3T9MLJ0bB1Tn46nQgiO1TG/V2MgUbT8jRnUB7cZ9Z13iJ5RkOf+Q6C0kbvPdSoX2Xlmf3l+86i95nkHCN23Q0csERHg5s3tD7Np56equfchKTrhb7vomm5+70B+PQSnjZwzmA6J6I36GNJ9v+kiKPz3BccQgAAAABJRU5ErkJggg==)

Here are helpful strategies for taking care of our mental health in the face of society's sexism and bias against women.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/womens-mental-health-insights-strategies-and-support)