---
title: "Differentiating \"Bad Sex\" from Coercive Sex and Sexual Assault"
date: 2018-02-14T03:00:00-05:00
author: OBOS Admin
canonical_url: "https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/differentiating-bad-sex-from-coercive-sex-and-sexual-assault"
section: Resources
---
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[Health & Sexuality Info](/health-info)# Differentiating "Bad Sex" from Coercive Sex and Sexual Assault

“Bad sex” is sometimes used as code for “sex you didn’t want to have in the first place but didn’t feel comfortable saying no to.” Writer Marianne Kirby clarifies the essential differences between bad sex–like when you realize the dog is staring at you and it kills the vibe–and sexual assault or rape.

> When we shy away from acknowledging the experiences of others as a way of avoiding our own, when we minimize and dismiss sexual assault out of a misguided effort to protect ourselves from the potential difficulty of owning what happened to us, we are complicit in rape culture. We protect a system in which coercive sex is considered normal, just a rite of passage, just part of a shitty date.

[Read the full article ](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault_sexuality/will_the_real_bad_sex_please_stand_up)

SOURCE: Scarleteen • AUTHOR: Marianne Kirby • LAST UPDATED: December 16, 2023

![Ahmed ashhaadh woman on bed in dark room unsplash scaled jpg](data:image/png;base64,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) Ahmed Ashhaadh/Unsplash

![](/assets/img/monogram.webp)Topics

- [ sexualities, gender, and relationships](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/subject-area/sexualities-gender-relationships)
- [ consent & mutuality](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/themes/consent-mutuality)
- [boundaries](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/boundaries)
- [consent](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/consent)
- [sexual assault](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/sexual-assault)
- [recognizing abuse](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/recognizing-abuse)
- [coercion and control](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/tags/coercion-and-control)

![](/assets/img/monogram.webp)### *Why You Can* **Trust Us** 

- We rigorously evaluate all content
- We embrace a reproductive justice framework
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- We reject funding from the pharmaceutical industry
- We counter misinformation and disinformation
- We address the social, political, and economic factors that affect health and sexuality

[read more](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/why-you-can-trust-us)

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[Stories & ConversationsWatch

## Dealing with the Stigmatization of Sexuality

SA shares how gaps in her sex education curriculum growing up failed to prepare her for sex. She discusses her desire for sex-positive sex education.

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SA shares how gaps in her sex education curriculum growing up failed to prepare her for sex. She discusses her desire for sex-positive sex education.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-dealing-with-the-stigmatization-of-sexuality)

[ResourcesRead

## A Disabled Person's Guide to Talking With Your Partner(s) About Sex

Disabled writer Carrie Kaufman created this excellent guide for disabled people who want help communicating sexually with their partners.

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Disabled writer Carrie Kaufman created this excellent guide for disabled people who want help communicating sexually with their partners.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/a-disabled-persons-guide-to-talking-with-your-partners-about-sex)

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This article imagines what accountability for sexual abuse would look like in a sex-positive, anti-carceral world.

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This article imagines what accountability for sexual abuse would look like in a sex-positive, anti-carceral world.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/a-sex-positive-and-transformative-justice-approach-to-metoo)

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In this conversation, excerpted from an online discussion on relationships, identity, and sexuality, participants discuss what has helped them cope with past sexual violence and abuse.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/conversations-recommendations-for-healing-from-abuse)

[ResourcesRead

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The Online Harrassment Field Manual helps users understand online abuse and develop concrete strategies to prepare for, avoid, and respond to it.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/contending-with-online-abuse)

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## Defining, Identifying, and Overcoming Domestic Violence

A brief overview on defining and identifying violence against women, as well as strategies for overcoming intimate partner violence.

![Pexels cottonbro domestic violence scaled jpg](data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACAAAAAgCAIAAAD8GO2jAAAACXBIWXMAAA7EAAAOxAGVKw4bAAAFR0lEQVRIiX1WQZIcuQ3MBMjuHmm9B/vgP/kh/ocf65MdjpVG09NVBDJ9qOrRbsRKDDaLzShmokAgQf7rn/8ASJIIRpIRTDCIAMKAjJarVd179V61r/XY17avx9q3vfa99uoqqWEBIhFEECQZNgDbOJ4Ajukx8ccavq/5XDb83HoO9seLxxZjGIIJiIBBWABhgwLi3C7bsmT5bLKlc0mSLcs+6OJAJwxiWG2QpIAAIIAEYcdhhgQdcEfrVktqHcP5r9VSwyYNAoEwBXNITcAM0mCSJz55GiRD7Sd0dXd3dXVXdR2/VdXVVgOOsIM2LEaQQ1qHzWSC4tkTxyH7/IITvOrErVW1Vu21Vq1a1VW2QIeRZoIOWuBQ7x8EZsZBgMNhIVNyfxCs6rVqrVr72ve1b/u+b3utVdWASGdyZAhMRJIc3RtAIsggh5Hk+B0BJHS7Wofda6217/u279u274/taKu6AY/EHDGRk2lawRhdDwBkEkm2OYgmEkiYMiVUu6ureq1V+1r7trbH/ng8Hm/vj2/3h7cN3Qhg5vR84RCHkAMRo/sNIJnECA5jEuNJEBIld7m6a1Xta+372h7b4/54//J+X99e8brhGyBgAp+xsHfcFDYtRo7uV4DkJKYxyQ4MeBBphcRu9/EF+6p9X9tjf7zt998er3j7gv8B78/UWsAXIFr5eEs4cGXkaH0hQAzixbgF257EhNMKi2p3qVb3vte2rfdv+/11+4r7K377HfpH+t6BS3vs70FzzCGBAFHEK9GACNGC00o1utyl3lfte23f6v1tvWJ7xRvwij9pD2AB1yXlJmocKkQc6fduBMwjg6120y1Vq5bWvbe3emB9xfYD9KMV0IDVNoYJ4uSwbQgQ3MCRyrBklbXUDxW0oYEF3H9K4LP3AAEcA4grMIEEA+YfvXuoJdwQ0D9Gx2E+4AACgzkJEoOexKQHfYRpwKCBaIYRg3FhvmOCP0U/zU1wAJkjxt8I0kEEnYGgkkGIJgGHm87o4ERMxW2LN4z6GUEAcQVncsyR49dTi8xA0BHmGUo06KSETmc6UjH0beg+/4tP/uExzBviNmLeIsfI+QtBAGESDJM+5c6JLoEyWxgDc2AMzAuuV3799Uvftz+Df8F8ueXlGmNG5BjzM4CjCoRBMHSEKSwzzBSixRpRk2NyXni55e3zfH+539/fduxP6Atwu96u1zkvOUZmRsQYl08ngREgjaMfBEqzhGhFz6jmvMRcMa95+TRuf718/venhVXoo4wFMj+NMUeOzIjI4Bjz5QjUONLNiCOGBctuRQopRyuroy4xVoxbrpWXX8b6+6X+Uy3pKPJ/ibhlzGBGZESQY15e8IQmEAYBCLAhq80WohGtHM2qD46oNaZWsXRvlT3hF/AanMFBJpnkGPOKp1TQCHy4yJaVYgspZyu6mR2jWBVZUZWlbFfPVksELsAFGM/yEsSTwB9ydEgEIMNWi2lUmy32ZDbrwijGYlaMjnJ2tkqinMCEx1HTiQRHjvmMIoR9+uq8DinCbIF5EDRrMAZjIi6MYhVD0WiNlqWAh5FAHmJAjMz5FCJ8nPN5ZZEtIYSQGSIbHI5hDnOCE7wgxDC7Q5JDTvjQmQACGDkmTv/46SIQhuywJbQMJTqBNNMYxjDSOJgGKJAtUwinHT7RCYyIxPd64PMwbND2eVHL8x6J1Ed3ysdkGDIMmoQcVpxV5SSI71EE8LwyGjZlBcKQEUYEGI50KEKRnRnOiAhHOA0ZCFER9KGUhAfJPxCAfJaf4+1TCEmSEUHqmDLEOJYcNGkGoSD1BDTB/wPTtpML69MMHQAAAABJRU5ErkJggg==)

A brief overview on defining and identifying violence against women, as well as strategies for overcoming intimate partner violence.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/defining-and-overcoming-domestic-violence)

[Stories & ConversationsWatch

## Putting Myself First

JV discusses her challenges setting boundaries amid gender norms that promote women as innate caretakers.

![JV](data:image/png;base64,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)

JV discusses her challenges setting boundaries amid gender norms that promote women as innate caretakers.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/stories-conversations/my-story-putting-myself-first)

[ResourcesRead

## Taking Back Power: Annie Faces an NDA

This comic strip explores a scenario in which a woman is asked to sign an NDA after reporting her supervisor for sexual harassment.

![A cartoon drawing of a woman of color with the words: "You Are Not Alone" in a speech bubble](data:image/png;base64,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)

This comic strip explores a scenario in which a woman is asked to sign an NDA after reporting her supervisor for sexual harassment.](https://ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/taking-back-power)